i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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