oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
