I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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