Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
