not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
a search helicopter?!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize