I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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