Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
