you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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