I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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