I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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