Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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