wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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