I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
