Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
