I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
