How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
