She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
