So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
