I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
