Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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