I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Your dad touched me again.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
