i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
