ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
