You just made me feel so damn special
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
