We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
