I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
