i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize