I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
