Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
