I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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