like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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