She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
