I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
