shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
