He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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