We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
