I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
