Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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