her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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