Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
