i just had sex bonerless
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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