Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
This toilet bowl is my home.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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