is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
