I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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