I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
