they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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