I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
