thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
