i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she told me i tasted like america
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
