Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
