I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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