Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
