as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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