he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
