YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
